Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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