Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
