i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
