Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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