there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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