Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
