When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
