You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
