dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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