Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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