I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
