Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
