You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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