dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
