I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
