If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
