Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize