dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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