When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
