when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
