He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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