The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
