She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
