I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
