This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
