If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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