I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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