I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
