why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
