oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
