guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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