I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
