Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
