That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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