he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
