I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
