Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
