Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
