if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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