she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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