Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Let's get the cat blown out
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
