Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
