I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
