Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
