i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
