I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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