why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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