I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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