the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
