I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
