i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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