My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
