There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
