Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
