Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
